you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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