I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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