hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
