How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize
