I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize