guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
