I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
