jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Randomize
