At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
How does one acquire holy water?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize