So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
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