the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Ladies don't puke and tell
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
