Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Your dad touched me again.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize