I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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