I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Randomize
