once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
