I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
