i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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