I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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