i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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