i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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