I think my fart just growled at me.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
