I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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