I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize