i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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