we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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