I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
