I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Randomize
