could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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