You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
