my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
