Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
