I just pynch a tree in the face
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
