I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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