I wish you could order shots online.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
pray to the hookup gods
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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