i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
