I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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