My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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