Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
