Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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