I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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