i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
