and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
