when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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