someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Everything about him screamed your future.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
