I can text with my tongue
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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