He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
