I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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