Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
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