I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
