well I can't set my house on fire every night
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
