Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
