i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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