you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
