You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Randomize
