I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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