hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
not ubering you a puppy
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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